foxtales

Poems and Prose by Tim Fox

  • Homeward Bound: A Transplant’s View of Southampton

    Our view from the street, summer 201

    Note: This essay is from the book Southampton St. Louis: An Unconventional History. For ordering information, go to tp://www.southamptonstl.org/history.

    Ellen and I moved into our Southampton house on Neosho Street in April 1999. She was about seven months pregnant with Maggie, and we feared the two-bedroom condo we were renting on Nottingham, across from Francis Park, would be too small for the three of us. Besides, we were both in our thirties; it seemed like time to grow up, settle down, and become homeowners.

    Our real estate agent drove us all over south St. Louis and St. Louis County looking for our first home. We saw a house with big cracks in its plaster walls, a house with a heavy mold infestation in the attic, a few houses that would have been candidates for the television show Hoarders, and several houses with no air conditioning—a virtual necessity these days for anyone preparing to face the hottest part of a St. Louis summer with a newborn baby in the house.

    We made offers on a couple of houses, but the market was hot. Before the economic crash and mortgage crisis of 2008, homes were selling at or above asking price. We got used to being outbid.

    Finally, one day our agent called to tell us of a house that had just become available but hadn’t been officially listed yet—a two-bedroom, story-and-a-half brick house in Southampton, across the street and few houses east from his own. He gave us the address, and we eagerly drove by to check out the house’s “curb appeal.” It had plenty: stained-glass windows, multicolored brick, a large awning over the front door, and a generous front porch. The house faced south, but a huge oak tree, at least 100 years old, was in the city’s easement between the sidewalk and the street, providing shade from the summer sun.

    The carpet hides a treasure.

    We immediately called him back and said yes, let’s see it. The the interior lived up to the exterior’s promises. Because the house’s original woodwork had not been painted, dark wood framed all that stained glass. The living room featured a custom stone fireplace. Dramatic archways separated the living room from the front hall, the dining room from the living room, and the kitchen from the dining room. The floors were dark hardwood, too, with the original baseboards and a beautiful, one-inch inlay of lighter-colored wood running around the perimeter of the first floor; at the corners, it doubled back on itself, forming a square before continuing along the wall. The doors, which were also original, had glass doorknobs. In addition to the two bedrooms on the first floor, the half-story had been remodeled into two more bedrooms and a second bathroom with a shower.

    Most importantly, however, the seller was eager; a family health crisis was forcing her to move to Texas. We sat down at the dining room table and wrote up the offer—$500 below asking price. The next day, our agent called with the good news: the house was ours.

    What we did not know at that time was the quality of the neighborhood we were about to move into. We knew what St. Louis Hills was like—fantastic, but too rich for our blood—and we had lived a few years in Tower Grove Heights, but Southampton was a mystery to us as we started moving our belongings the four or five blocks from our Nottingham condo. But it would not be a mystery for long. Some of the first people we met were a couple a few houses to the west had lived in their house for about forty years. They were eager to tell us the history of our house, now our home. One of the most interesting things we learned was that for years it had been owned by the Lubeleys, of Lubeley’s Bakery & Deli fame. In fact, the Lubeleys had remodeled the half story and made other updates. Eight years prior, we had bought our wedding cake from Lubeley’s.

    Such is life in St. Louis, a big city that feels like a small town, and as we came to know our neighborhood better, that small-town feeling grew.

    After Maggie was born toward the end of June, I would walk with her at the end of the workday up and down our block of Neosho, holding her in what we called “the headlight position”—flat on her stomach, her little rump and legs against my torso, my left hand supporting her body, and my right hand cradling her head so that she could look out like a headlight. It was the only way she would stop crying at that time of the day when she was tired, cranky, and ready to get out of the house. She looked with rapt attention at the cars, the trees, the squirrels, and the other houses, each with its own unique architectural details. Often people would be out on their front porches, and of course they had to gush over the tiny newborn. As a new dad, I happily obliged.

    We began to meet our other neighbors and realize that we had moved onto a block that featured not only neighborhood historians but also young families, like ours. Some had babies and some had school-aged children, many of them going to St. Gabriel School across Hampton Avenue in St. Louis Hills. (Our block, the first block east of Hampton, is in St. Gabriel the Archangel Parish, or “St. Gabe’s.” The rest of Southampton is in St. Mary Magdalen Parish.)

    In the fall, most of the neighbors came out for the annual block party, when our one-way-east street was closed at Hampton and turned over to the kids and their bikes, skateboards, tricycles, and wagons. As the air cooled in the evening, firepits came out and burned brightly long into the night, the smell of burning wood mingling with the subtle but unmistakable scent of fallen leaves.

    The highlight of the year for neighborhood kids, though, turned out to be Halloween. Again, the street was closed to vehicular traffic, but now it was overrun by little ghouls and goblins, many of them ready with a joke in exchange for a treat (“Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine”). That first year, we gave out all the candy we had bought and were forced to dip into our private stash to appease the horde. Now we know to plan on at least 150 trick-or-treaters.

    Maggie, grown and in her pickle costume with one of our many longtime neighbors, Halloween 2016

    A few years later, I became acquainted with the neighborhood’s commercial side by writing articles about local businesses for the Southampton Neighborhood Association Newsletter. It was an exciting time. The Macklind Avenue Business District was starting to bustle, and I wrote articles about Manzo’s Sausage Kitchen and Market; Home Eco Green General Store; the late, great Murdoch Perk (now the fabulous Russell’s on Macklind); and Macklind Avenue Deli, which carries a selection of wine and craft and import beers that rivals any store in the city or county.

    However, I didn’t limit myself to Macklind—I also wrote up Dippel Plumbing on Hampton, Bloomers Florist & Gifts on Chippewa, and other neighborhood establishments. What I discovered through my research and talks with residents and business owners was that Southampton—now rebranded as SoHa—shares characteristics with all of St. Louis’s great neighborhoods.

    For example, as this book documents, Southampton’s early days are steeped in the history of St. Louis’s westward expansion, a process accelerated in the early part of the 20th century by the street car and later, of course, the automobile. The streetcar fueled the development of many St. Louis neighborhoods, from the Midtown area of Grand Avenue to University City with its famous Delmar Loop, named for the streetcar turnaround.

    Like those neighborhoods, Southampton brought urban order to what had previously been farmland, woods, and swamps. Scholars, urban planners, and others can disagree on whether development has been for the better or not, but the fact remains that these neighborhoods have altered the landscape and left their own impressions on St. Louis, and the natural landscape has left its mark on the neighborhoods. For example, in Southampton you won’t find Wherry Creek any longer, but you can walk along Wherry Avenue, which cuts a diagonal swath across the neighborhood’s traditional grid pattern to follow and cover Wherry Creek’s old path.

    I have already hinted at a second characteristic Southampton shares with other neighborhoods—the critical role churches of many denominations have played in its development. Catholics, Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Christian Scientists have been part of life in Southampton over the past century. Yes, St. Louisans are a faithful lot in the skeptical “Show-Me State,” and maybe that is why so many people have the faith and courage to invest in new businesses, rehab homes, and take other personal and financial risks for the benefit of future generations. If people didn’t believe the neighborhood had a future, they have plenty of options in St. Louis—like my wife and I did—yet they choose to stake their claim here.

    Southampton has also been developed over a long period of time, giving it a diverse housing stock. Our house is in a style that a Missouri Historical Society colleague once described, not entirely positively or accurately, as “cuckoo clock”; we prefer the term “gingerbread.” Walking a block or two east on Neosho you’ll find frame houses and Hill-style “shotgun” houses to add to the mix. Going north reveals 1950s- and 1960s-era ranch houses. And scattered throughout Southampton are stately two-story houses that would be at home in St. Louis Hills, but at half the price. A similar variation in housing can be found in other areas of the city, like Dogtown, Florissant, or Skinker-DeBaliviere.

    Playing fireman, Block Party, 2016

    Finally, like so many parts of the St. Louis region, Southampton has seen its share of change. We lost the beloved Southtown Famous-Barr store when the mall-with-department-store-“anchors” concept replaced free-standing department stores in the 1970s. The Avalon and Roxy Theatres are gone, victims of the suburbanization of entertainment dollars and options in the 1970s on into the 2000s.

    Other losses, while not as dramatic, do mark changing times—for example, while many Southampton houses have “fruit cellars,” a room in the basement where fruit was stored before refrigeration became available, no one uses it for storing fruit; ours is full of empty boxes from our move. Near the fruit cellar was often a coal bin, used for storing coal when it was the main fuel for heating homes in the winter. Leading to the coal bin was the coal chute, with its heavy, often ornate metal door to the outside where “coalmen” deposited the dusty fuel. And in the back yard sat an ash pit to store the byproduct of all that coal. Some ash pits still stand, but again, no one uses them for ashes any more, as electricity and natural gas have become the predominant (and much safer, cleaner, and more convenient) heating methods.

    So what sets Southampton apart? That is a difficult question. One could claim that while people (mostly white people, it must be admitted) have “fled” from other St. Louis areas for the western suburbs, people have tended to “stay” in Southampton. The long memories of my older neighbors and the people who have assembled this book offer abundant evidence to support that claim. However, the same can be said of other South St. Louis neighborhoods, like Holly Hills and St. Louis Hills. In contrast,Tower Grove Heights, Soulard, Shaw, the Central West End, Lafayette Square, and now The Grove and Downtown have gone through periods of population loss but have made (or are making) comebacks at the hands of “urban pioneers.”

    Perhaps the story of Macklind Avenue offers a clue. Though it may not be on the same scale as Euclid Avenue or the Victorian “painted ladies” of Lafayette Square, the Macklind Avenue Business District represents a significant comeback for the Southampton community—but without the “trendiness” felt in more gentrified neighborhoods. And while houses in Holly Hills and St. Louis Hills are often priced in the $500,000 range or above, houses in Southampton are priced within the means of that disappearing American breed, the middle class. Put another way, Southampton offers the best of both worlds without the drawbacks of either. Buying a home or locating a business in Southampton is, has been, and will continue to be, a solid investment in a modest but stable neighborhood.

    In 2003, Kate was born. We talk about moving now and then, but only in the way you might talk about wanting to see the Pyramids someday, or to be a concert pianist. I like the idea that Southampton might be the only neighborhood our girls will know. They have friends all over the city and county, so they are aware of what other neighborhoods have to offer—for better or for worse—but they love it here. We love it here. Our girls may never play on a big clay hill, go “clubbing” for rabbits, or know what a “clinker” is (other than something from the movie A Christmas Story), but in this little pocket of South St. Louis, in this neighborhood, we are at home.

    I can’t think of a better thing to say about a place than that.

  • Chase the Dragon: The Uses and Misuses of Memoir

    We build our lives on lies.

    The stories we tell about our pasts are just that–stories. We either ignore the bad and romanticize the good or we ignore the good and exploit the bad. Either way, the result is less than truth.

    If I wrote my memoir in the traditional vein, I would write about an idyllic, small-city, Midwestern life of growing up near a creek, catching crawdads in the summer, skating on the ice in my white rubber boots in the winter, climbing mulberry trees and putting the fruit in my cereal, playing hide-and-seek in the evening as the fireflies started popping until mom yelled from the back porch to come inside, playing with fireworks, riding bikes with no helmet, wandering the woods and the parks and the streets unaccompanied, with abandon.

    All of these things happened.

    The problem is, these things happened for many kids in my neighborhood. According to memes and accounts from friends on Facebook decrying the loss of the good old days, these things happened for many of them, too.

    But it’s not all that happened. It’s never all that happened.

    Such memoir is not bad, but it’s not useful. Maybe it’s even dangerous. Living in a post-truth world, where the cultural relativism of the postmodern era has come full-circle to mean not the acknowledgment of others’ realities but the denial of any reality, idyllic tales of the past lead to unhealthy comparisons between our current state and a past that never fully existed.

    Thus, “Make America Great Again.”

    The political is also personal. When we as individuals compare our current lives with a romanticized past, we shut out the possibility of learning from what we have lived to face the reality of our current existence. We cannot move forward by saying that our lives will never be as good as they were, because they were never all good in the first place. Ever.

    This is the beginning of an emotional journey. I know the market is flooded with memoir. Most memoir like what I have described ends up in people’s drawers after writing workshops. Most of what gets published is in the second vein–exploiting, for lack of a better word, childhood abuse and trauma, because that is important and needs to be exposed and acknowledged and validated, but also because that is what the market rewards.

    My vision is to write memoir that includes the good with the bad; memoir that leads to lessons for the present, not nostalgia for the past. My hope is that others will read it and be inspired to see their own pasts more clearly so that they may live their own lives more fully.

    And so I begin.

     

     

     

  • Generous to a Fault

    I’m generous to a fault
    But it ain’t no fault of mine
    Never gave a good goddamn
    ‘Bout these, thou, or thine
    All I’ve got I gave away
    Never gave it any mind
    Yes I’m generous to a fault
    But it ain’t no fault of mine

    My mama didn’t raise no fool
    That’s how it seems to me
    Taught me love and taught me hope
    Told me that’s how I should be
    But on the day my mama died
    Something died inside of me
    No mama didn’t raise no fool
    But I didn’t get shit for free

    So I left my dreams out in the alley
    For someone else to come pick up
    Watched them drive off at midnight
    In a stolen pickup truck

    I put my heart out on my doorstep
    Just for anyone to steal
    When I woke up in the morning
    I didn’t know how I should feel

    My spirit went for nothin’
    Let it sail off in the breeze
    ‘Cause when you wake up on that day
    You can let it go with ease

    Yeah I’m generous to a fault
    But it ain’t no fault of mine
    No I never gave a good goddamn
    ‘Bout those, these, thou, or thine
    Yes all I got I gave away
    I never gave it any mind
    Yeah I’m generous to a fault
    But it ain’t no fault of mine

  • Jackie’s Song

    The day my brother died well they,
    Shut down the highway, yes they
    Shut down the highway, oh they
    Shut down the highway all day long

    And when I started cryin’ well I
    Walked me a long way, yes I
    Walked me a long way, oh I
    Walked me a long way, the long way home

    I hear the people sayin’, they say
    Show us the right way, they say
    Show us the right way, yes please
    Show us the right way, that we should go

    So I turn my head and say, well I
    Don’t know what to say, no I
    Don’t know what to say, said I
    Don’t know what to say, we’re all alone

    We lift our eyes up now and we say,
    Is anyone listening? We say
    Is anyone listening? We pray
    Is anyone listening? We just need to know

    Someday we’ll be together and we’ll
    Know why things happen, yes we’ll
    Know why things happen, maybe we’ll
    Know why things happen, but today we don’t

    And as my brother passes well the
    Wind it starts blowin’, and the
    Leaves they start shufflin’, and the
    Sun isn’t shinin’, and a
    Baby stars cryin’ ’cause he’s on his own

    So I said, hey now little baby don’t you
    Start cryin’ now, no don’t you
    Start cryin’ now, please don’t
    Start cryin’ now, ’cause you’ve just begun

    But if you look around you’ll see that
    People are good now, yes
    People are good now, oh yes
    People are good now, that’s all we know.

    Oh yes when my brother died well they,
    Shut down the highway, yes they
    Shut down the highway, oh they
    Shut down the highway all day long.

  • Fall Poem

    fullsizerender9Gold drips from barren trees

    Sunlight older in the afternoon

    Grown tired, brown leaves scatter

    Wind carries them where it will

    Winter’s coming to the fields,

    The parks, the streets, the neighborhoods

    Old man huddles in his room

    Blanket drawn high to chest

    He knew a love once, long ago

    Love gone now, his memories devouring

    Looks out through the window pane

    Neighbor kids playing on the lawn

    Leaves piled high, and then they jump

    They laugh–he sees smiling faces

    But only hears the hiss of the radiator

    Kicking on now for the first time

    Bone-dry heat fills the tiny room

    And the blanket falls again

  • Write About Now

    My first job as a paid writer was with the University of Missouri-Kansas City’s student newspaper. I wrote for the arts section. Album reviews. Exhibit reviews. An interview with the new head of the dance program. My cult classic “MTV Hell.”

    img_1903

    The editor of the arts section was a very serious older student named Frank. I had no car, so when Frank wanted me to review an art exhibit  off campus, he offered to give me a ride on his motorcycle.

    Frank roared up in front of the dorm. I climbed on the back of the bike.

    “Where’s you notebook?” he asked.

    “I didn’t bring one.”

    “Pen?”

    “No.”

    “Never go anywhere without something to write with and something to write on,” he growled. And away we went.

    So began my education as a writer.

    At several points during the past 20-some years of being paid to write in one form or another, students or their parents have asked for my advice about how to earn a living as a writer. Frank’s advice is a good place to start, but I have learned some other things over the years that might be useful for people who are interested in writing as a career.

    If you’re not one of those people, you can just read “MTV Hell” and move on. But if you are interested, here are some things I have learned.

    • Call yourself a writer and introduce yourself as one.
    • Never turn down an opportunity to write. Especially if someone is willing to pay you. Anything. Anything at all. Just do it.
    • If you don’t have an opportunity to write, create one. Almost everybody has a website or blog to feed.
    • If something is boring, find a way to make it not boring. Metaphor, simile, pointing out how an unfamiliar thing is a lot like a familiar thing–find a way to make it interesting.
    • Word counts matter. Deadlines matter more.
    • Knowing nothing about topic is not a reason to avoid writing about it; it’s the reason to write about it.
    • Finally, in school, let your instructors know who you are through your writing.

     

     

  • Awakenings

    Part of the Presidential Classroom class of February 20-26, 1984.
    Part of the Presidential Classroom class of February 20-26, 1984.

    Today, Maggie comes home after spending election week in Washington, D.C.

    It reminds me of a similar trip I took in February 1984. My first plane ride and my first trip outside of the Midwest. I, like Maggie, was 17.

    I had somehow been recruited for a program called Presidential Classroom. It brings high school kids to D.C. for a week of tours, visits with state representatives, and explorations of historic sites and monuments.

    The first night we had a mixer. The first person I met was my friend Rachel. We’re still good friends, 30-plus years later. The first person we met together was Becky.

    Becky had a shock of pink hair in front, which was instantly exciting to a 17-year-old barely out of the sticks. But she was also wearing a pin supporting abortion rights. I said, without batting an eye, “Oh, so you’re for abortion?”

    She didn’t blanch, either.

    “No, I’m for the choice to have an abortion,” she replied.

    With that, my world shifted.

    I was a product of Catholic schools. When the Roe v. Wade decision was handed down in 1973, my entire grade school, including us second-graders, were herded into the gym to watch graphic abortion videos.

    But this isn’t about abortion. I still struggle with the issue, though anyone who has read my posts before probably knows where my allegiances lie.

    fullsizerender8

    No, this is about how a moment can open your eyes. How one person who holds his or her views firmly can unapologetically, even when faced with a potentially hostile audience, can alter your worldview with a few simple words of clarification.

    When I came home from Presidential Classroom, I sat in my room and cried. I’m not sure why. The realization that I was home, I guess, and that home was now too small for me.

    I hope that Maggie had at least one awakening like that this week. And I hope we have given her a bigger world to come home to.

     

  • The Bully on the Bus

    In college, I rode a bus from my apartment complex to campus and back every day.

    Some days, a girl rode the bus who, I liked to think, was like me. Quiet. Shy. Serious. From the way she dressed and watched the familiar Columbia, Missouri, streets glide pass through the window, I thought maybe she was an artist. I liked that.

    Other days, there was a boy on the bus who would talk to me. He wore glasses, had a fleshy face, a denim jacket. I don’t remember his name. Maybe I never knew it.

    bully

    One day, the girl and the boy were on the bus together. The boy started talking to me, and the conversation inexplicably drifted to the liberals and weirdos and troublemakers on campus. His speech became louder, more animated, and though he pretended to be talking to me, I knew he was talking to her.

    She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, refocused her gaze through the glass. He continued. I did nothing. Said nothing. Rehearsed in my mind, “please shut up please shut up please shut up,” until the bus ride mercifully ended.

    Why did I not defend the girl on the bus from the bully on the bus? Why did I not say something, do something, anything?

    I’ve known people of all persuasions since who, no matter how harmlessly conversations start, can’t help but turn it back to their pet issues. They don’t want a discussion, or even an argument. They just want to make you, and everyone around you, uncomfortable.

    I don’t know what happened to the bully on the bus. Maybe he’s on the ballot somewhere Tuesday. She’s a professor.

    I hope that I’ve grown since then, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about the bully on the bus. And the silence.

     

  • Trump l’oeil

    Down here it’s just winners and losers
    And don’t get caught on the wrong side of that line
    Bruce Springsteen, “Atlantic City”

    Personally, I will lose nothing if Donald Trump wins.

    I am a white man. I was born in America. I grew up in one of eight towns in the nation, plus the KKK, whose newspaper has endorsed Donald Trump for president.

    The people who will lose if Donald Trump wins are not white. They are not men. They were not born in America. They did not grow up in small Midwestern towns whose newspapers endorsed Donald Trump for president.

    ST LOUIS, MO - OCTOBER 09: Democratic presidential nominee former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (L) and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump listen to a question during the town hall debate at Washington University on October 9, 2016 in St Louis, Missouri. This is the second of three presidential debates scheduled prior to the November 8th election. (Photo by Saul Loeb-Pool/Getty Images)

    Why do I care if these people lose if Donald Trump wins?

    I care because unlike them, I have layers of support when I fall. I have family who will catch me. I have health insurance through my employer. I have an employer. I have credit cards and I have a house and I have white skin.

    Many of these things I was born with. Others are the result of some effort, yes, but mostly what I was born with. But not everyone was born with these things. These are the people I worry about if Donald Trump wins.

    It is well documented why I have these worries. These things are clear to me. I don’t know why they aren’t clear to everyone, but many believe that they, themselves, will lose if Hillary Clinton wins.

    Indeed, many think that they have already lost, and that Donald Trump will make them winners again.

    Maybe he will. But I can’t stop thinking about about those who will lose.

    And it won’t be me, or a lot of the people I know.

    But that’s not enough to make me stop thinking about everyone who will lose if Donald Trump wins.